Saturday, December 6, 2014

{The Pursuit Of} Finding Yourself

To be perfectly honest, my pregnancy has not been the easiest for me. Not because of the hormone change, swelling, baby planning...those things didn't bother me much. What was the worst was rediscovering who I am as a person. 

Before I was a mommy-to-be, I was a fast talking bartender who worked insane hours, chain smoked cigarettes, popped an occasional adderall to keep myself awake, survived purely off of my coffee/energy drink fetish, and finished my nights with a vodka/sugar-free Red Bull. It wasn't a healthy lifestyle, but it was mine for quite a few years. It was all I knew. Then one night everything changed. 

My entire life changed in a matter of one minute and seventeen seconds. 

What was I suppose to do? How could I possibly leave the lifestyle I found so much comfort in? We've only been married six months, was this too much too soon? Who am I now?

My circumstance might be different than some reading this, but there will always be a time when we must rediscover ourselves. We must rebuild. We must be brave even if we are scared as hell. 

This is the absolute hardest step, mostly because changes suck. No one truly likes change, anyone who tells you otherwise is probably a liar. This is not just a vital step, it is a time consuming one. Anger is generally the first emotion that comes with this. Anger towards yourself, your friends, family, significant other...generally anyone who is close to you. The anger can consume you. Funny thing about it though is that when it does is when progress begins. Why? Because now you are accepting the fact that things you once knew are gone and it is now time to begin again. Then, out of the blue, you feel relieved. You have officially accepted the change.

This can be tricky. How are you suppose to know what makes you happy when you don't even know yourself right now? I'm a list person, have been since I was a kid. I went to Target, bought myself a new notebook, and sat down staring at my notebook for hours trying to figure out what makes me happy. I had no idea. So I changed the question I asked myself. Instead I thought of the things I was comfortable doing alone. Not alone in the sense of killing a few hours, but if I was truly alone what was it that I would do? Once I figured out I was okay doing alone I made more lists. There was one about the things I enjoy most in life, another about what inspires me, there were tons of lists!! But they helped. My thoughts were now organized. Now I needed to formulate a game plan.

I decided my best option was to spend more time alone. I had spent most of the previous angry/scared/timid time leeched to my husband (which I knew could be kind of annoying) because I was too intimidated to be alone. But it was time to be alone and figure myself out. To put my lists into action. To be brave. I started with something easy, reading. I read so many books that first week that ultimately led to more inspiration for me. Spending time alone helps you grow. You are now in your own bubble. You can do ANYTHING you want in your bubble! As intimidating as it was at first, I now love my alone time. Not to the point to where it interferes with my time with my husband, but to the point that I find joy in it. Being alone can inspire you in so many ways. Turn the music up, dance, read, blog, go running, bake a pie...whatever it is that you feel comfortable doing alone do it and do it big! 

You will notice a change in your attitude. You won't just be happy, you'll feel a surge of confidence. Keep that confidence high, not in a narcissistic way, but don't doubt yourself. Know that the path you are on now is one you are paving for yourself and take pride in that. Never stop learning. NEVER! You should want to progress, life doesn't stop so why should you? Constantly strive to learn more about yourself, others, and the world around you. With that progression you will grow stronger each day. You will lift your head higher, your heart will be lighter, and you will more than you ever dreamed of. 

Finding yourself is scary, but I promise it is so worth the leap. Plus, when you come out the other side you'll be a better version of you. Who wouldn't want that? 

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